Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Second Little Boy. Second Miracle. No daughter.

When my husband told me in the delivery room that our second was a boy I  cried. I was overcome with joy that I had a little boy. Being a mother to a little boy has been the best part of my life. Being given a second one to love was a moment I will never forget.

I knew not finding out the gender that it would be bittersweet in the delivery room. Either way I would be giving up a dream. If it was a little girl we were bringing home- I would not have another little boy to raise. If it was a boy then I would never have that daughter I had dreamed of to bring to ballet class and dress up in frilly bows. I knew I would love that child so much so really either way I would be happy. And sad if that makes sense.

Tim and I knew going into this pregnancy that this would be our last. Even though I would probably really like to have another child the logistics and finances don't make sense for our family. Childcare is such a burden and for a working mother that cost does not go away until they're able to watch themselves around thirteen. We are no where close. Short of some major changes with my husband's salary this is our reality.

Having Miles has been a dream. He is gorgeous. And sweet, smiley, and so cuddly. He loves to be held and kissed. He reminds me in so many ways of the baby Sammy was and I feel that I get a second chance to raise a sweet little boy. Plus clearly dressing a little boy is my heaven so that has not been disappointing at all! There is part of me that is really grieving over the loss of the daughter I always thought I would have. Not a big part really but I think if I am being an honest person that part is there.

At some point we all have to be done giving birth and having babies. That number for me seems to be two little boys. I truly feel so blessed to be their mother and advocate. Watching these boys grow and learn and become the people they are destined to be is the greatest opportunity and gift I could have ever been given. I wish it could have been three - or four- or five little cuties following me around and filling our lives but for me two it is. To their benefit (or dismay!) I will put all of the energy I have into them. Maybe they'll have daughters. Or even more cute little boys for me to spoil. I'm excited to find out.

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